Here at 23 it's the same old me

This is life. It happens every year. I get another number added to my age. I'm one year older, and some would say one year wiser. Perhaps I am, but perhaps I'm not. I still find myself falling for the same old lines that I used to fall for when I was just 18. As a matter of fact, when I was 18 I believed I knew everything. And now at 23 years old, I believe I don't know anything. That's been the main change in my life over the years. Besides that I've had my ups and downs, I've tried new things, labeled myself, removed said labels, and continued living. Here I am, still wanting to believe in love. Still wanting to believe in something to make this existence worthwhile. Still believing in other people. And still failing at believing.

I haven't done a blog update in quite some time. I figured with my recent age augmentation that I would post an update.

Band is alright. School is hard. I graduate in the spring. Then, I move away. I'll move to another city where I know no one. Where not a face is familiar. Where I have no friends, no job, no band and no foundation. It sounds... good. I don't know why, but I like to think about it.

Trust is a fragile thing. I don't think I trust in people very effectively. I sometimes think that I do, but then one small thing will change my mind. Just two days ago I witnessed someone hit a parked car with their truck. She got out of her truck, looked at the damage, brushed off the bumper of her truck, and casually walked to class as if nothing had ever happened. One thing led to another, and when the police confronted her, she lied about it repeatedly to the cop's face. She said she had no idea what he was talking about and that nothing ever happened. The cop insisted that they had several eyewitness accounts, as well as surveillance footage of what had happened. She still lied about it. If a human being can so easily lie, then why is it possible to trust anyone? Are we not all human? If we are, then we all share the same traits. And in that case, I'm not ready to believe what people tell me.

And as for the "love" thing. I know so many people, guys and gals, that cheat on their significant others. It happens all the time. It's almost like there's no shame, and no consequence. Did the world suddenly change and consequences don't exist any more? I think not. This has led me to believe that relationships do not and will not work. I'm terrified of them. Commitment is a dark word. Images of lust fill my head when I hear about serious relationships. It's all a game, it's all about status, it's all about feeling special. I feel special enough by myself, thank you very much.

But I'm trying. Trust me, I am trying to move forward.

What am I talking about? Why are you reading this? Last time I posted a blog, I got "called out" by more than one person telling me that I'm a mean person with a bad attitude and that I need to change. One of the people that told me that died a week later. I'm glad we made amends before that happened.

Which brings me to my next topic.

My best friend of many years, Corey Wolfram, passed away. I still miss him every day. And I still live like I haven't really realized that he's gone. Seriously, he is gone. I won't be able to call him any more. We won't be able to go get wings together any more, we won't be able to strum another chord in unison on our guitars ever again.

Life is fragile. And I'm trying to make sure that I live mine to its fullest. I am not invincible, and no one is invincible. If I was the next one to go, would I be satisfied with my life up until this point? Not by a long shot. I need to do something about that.

Every day is a test. I have to put on a smile and be nice to everyone, I have to make positive changes around me. No matter how bad things may seem, I can always make them better. Instead of walking around with my head down, I need to keep my chin up and my eyes bright. A good attitude effects those around you positively. And I'm trying to live by that rule. Life is good, though it has its downs, it's still good. I appreciate my own life. I appreciate who I am, and what I'm doing.

Next step, learn to accept myself. That's going to be a tough mountain to climb.

I have no problem stealing lions (Ok, shut up.)

Here I am, once again falling victim to the ever-present possibility of public blogging.

I've been faced with a lot of thoughts and feelings lately that I seem to be having trouble with. Not really sure why, or how, but then again my whole life I've had periods of ups and downs, episodes of being antisocial balanced out by time frames filled with loud, public lack of shame. Here is one of those low times on the continuous roller coaster that is my life.

I have a job, which is a good thing. I'm still not doing very well with money, however if I manage to save up for awhile, I should have a pretty good supply for when school starts back up. That is assuming, of course, that my water, gas and electric bills don't drain my account as they've been doing all summer. It'll be fine, I just need to not worry about it.

I hate what this is becoming. I'm here stuck inside my apartment every day, with the shades drawn. I watch TV shows to pass the time, but when that does not work I end up on the internet, which still doesn't seem to satisfy the hunger for contact with the world. I often text many of my friends and sometimes get responses, but usually it seems like the contact never goes further than a simple text message. Not even a phone call comes about, and God forbid I emerge from my shell of an apartment into the world outside on my own. The only times I leave are when I go to work, and sometimes to hang out with my band mates at band practice. Well, usually just Jess because we work at the same Giant Eagle. It's good seeing him.

In other words, if you're one of my friends from Edinboro, PLEASE rescue me. I'd like to come hang out sometime. My phone is almost always on, and right by my side.

One thing that I have been actually accomplishing is writing music. Almost every day I come up with something new, and I'm really happy with how it's turning out. I'm really excited to start recording the new Radio Empire stuff.

I often read my other friends' blogs, and keep paying attention to facebook and myspace posts to know where they are and what they've been doing. (So if you think I've been ignoring you, I bet you're wrong! :) I keep an eye out) It's really crazy how people do a lot of things that remind me of the past, even the past year or so, when I was always there. And now the stories are mere flickerings of a faded past that I want back so much. I want to go back to how it was, even a couple months ago. I don't know who screwed up, whether it was me, or you, or no one - but whatever got messed up I wish it could be erased. I am not holding grudges against anyone, and I try my best to keep a smile and upbeat attitude whenever I see anyone, regardless of how they talk back to me (which, sometimes it seems people won't even make eye contact with me, which freaks me out).

I've been told I'm different than I used to be, but I desperately argue the opposite. I haven't hung out with anyone in so long, how could anyone make that judgement? What is it based off of, other than maybe what they heard or saw on the internet. If I'm wrong, then I'm wrong - and I'm sorry. But I really do believe that something else has gone awry.

Sorry, sorry sorry. I'm rambling WAY too much. Basically, please leave me a comment on this blog and let me know you're still alive. And as I said earlier, my phone is on - and it's waiting for you to contact me. I'll probably try to contact you first, and I encourage you to respond.

Oh, and by the way - this last part is for Cody Webb. I just wanted to say thanks. You might not know why I'm saying it, but seriously - thank you. The other day you really brightened my day, and it made a much bigger impact than you will ever know. You probably don't even remember what happened, which is fine. Just know that I'm thankful for you right now.

Comments?!

One of our missiles just accidentally blew up in North Dakota.

I haven't posted a blog in awhile, so I thought now would be the time to do exactly that.

I got a job! Yay! I'm now a cashier at the Giant Eagle on Peach St (at Summit, by Sam's Club.) Come visit sometime!

It's going to be nice to not have to worry about money as much. To not feel guilty when I buy myself dinner because I fear that I won't be able to pay my bills. Yes, that's going to be nice.

I've been writing a whole lot of new music lately. Things have been happening that have been inspiring new lyrics, and I'm really excited for what I've been working on. I'll put an excerpt at the bottom of the blog, so you can see some of what I've been working on.

I suppose the "biggest" thing that's happened with me lately, is I recently had a huge failure with a girl. Since her and I not longer talk to each other, I'm willing to tell the public exactly what happened, because it's not like it really matters what she thinks of me anymore anyways, right!? Haha

So here's the story. I had been seeing this one girl for a couple months, and everything seemed legit. (Other than, of course, her complaining about some guy friends of hers who wouldn't stop hitting on her.) But that was even fine, because she assured me I was the "only" guy that mattered to her. We both agreed that we wanted to see how things held up over the 10 days I would be gone on tour. Good idea, right? Well, I thought so, too but I was wrong. She told me that she would still be there when I was back, and she said that it was basically up to me to decide if I could "handle" it or not. Well, a couple days into tour, I was a few hundred miles from home, and she ends it all - THROUGH A TEXT MESSAGE. She said it was because I didn't talk to her enough, or hang out with her enough, or something. I explained it was pretty difficult to be really close when I'm on tour, but she didn't seem to understand that idea. She actually tried to "take it back" a couple times, but it was too late in my mind. So, she ended it and I didn't talk to her for a couple days. Honestly, ending a couple months' worth of my effort through a text message is not something that I am willing to take lightly. So, I simply shoved her to the back of my mind and enjoyed tour. Time on the road with guys is the perfect medicine. I thought it would be over and I wouldn't worry about it any more when I was home. Well, that didn't work out. It seems like all I did was worry about it for a couple days. And it seemed, that somewhere along that time line when I was on the road, she ended up with a boyfriend. Yes, as a matter of fact, it was one of those boys who always used to hit on her and she told me he was a "creep" and she'd never be interested in him. Well, she was lying about that - so I wonder what else she was lying about? I gave her the final "piece of my mind," a week or two ago and that was the last time we spoke.


So, it looks like I'm back to the drawing board. I do not trust girls. Now, honestly - would you blame me for it?


In other news, the band is doing VERY well. We've started working on our next album already, so that's very exciting. We recently posted a new acoustic song and a bunch of new pictures, as well as having our myspace layout completely overhauled. You can check out what it looks like by going to myspace.com/radioempiremusic.

We're really excited for some of our upcoming shows, etc. We'll be doing a mini-tour with In the Day in August, and that will surely be freaking AWESOME.

I must have learned something good in all the time spent with Stillframe Sky. I really think that was a good experience that helped me to learn how to really push a band. Radio Empire is doing better than I ever expected us to, and the only thing to do at this point is to just ride it out, enjoy it, and never, EVER get lazy. The cool thing about this band is, everyone has been financially helping out, and putting in effort. It is making everything go much more smoothly, and we're getting everything accomplished way faster than we imagined.

Thanks to all the fans, friends, promoters, etc that have helped us out.

Over and out, for now.

You're dressed to kill
The party after the show
You told your mom to lie for you
So dad doesn't know
It's time to kick back
With the boys in the bands
They prowl with their eyes
While you go out to dance
It's like a reflex
When his hand's on your back
You never cared how old he is
As long as he's stacked
With all the scene cred
Your boyfriend don't seem to care
As long as liquor keeps on flowing
And your best friend is there

Let's all go out tonight
I've got a bullet with your name on it
Let's all go out tonight
I swear that you're just full of it
'Cause all this time I thought you were
A girl who had some self respect
I'll kick you out my door
But the truth comes out and now I know
You're just another girl
Another girl from the show.

I dress to impress, 'cause you know I hate to wait outside

Just got back from tour. It was a success! Played a few good shows, played a few bad shows, had a really good time the whole time no matter what! Johnny, Jess, T-Wood, and Drew are the sweetest dudes to be on the road with. We were happy all day every day, no drama, no fights, no arguments, no tension. All good times! I met a lot of great people, and saw a lot of awesome things. Chicago deep dish pizza is the best, cheap deals on hotel rooms are awesome, and music rules. Radio Empire made a lot of new friends and fans, so thanks to all of you who came to a show and supported. We made a whole lot of video footage that will be edited and posted soon.

Besides that, I'm still working on branching out socially. Becoming less shy, more outgoing, and generally happier. Meeting new people and hanging out with new groups is always a good and healthy thing.

As for girls - I'm back to square one. Who would've thought?

Anyways, I've been happy as ever and life is good. I can't wait to continue writing new music and working on a new recording. Future shows and tours are always on the horizon, and I can't wait. All is well.

:)

I'm just a notch in your bed post, but you're just a line in a song

First - Band news!

Guess what happens soon! TOUR!

I will be gone June 19th-29th. I'll be in many various places throughout PA, NY, OH, IN, MI, and IL.

Be sure to check back on here, as I'll probably be posting road-updates.

Besides that, we (Radio Empire) just released our EP. Sold a TON of them at the release show with Bayside the other day. So if you're one of the people who came out and bought one, big thanks to you!

Once again, I was legitimately disappointed in the lack of presence of any of my close friends from Edinboro. Oh well! You guys missed out.

Next - Personal news!

I've been doing this new thing where I branch out into new social groups and make new friends. It's very rewarding and interesting. I suggest you try it!

I've been watching a LOT of Law & Order SVU lately. It's way too good.

I know this blog makes no actual sense, but that's alright. Thanks for reading! Please leave me some feedback!

As long as blood runs through these veins, you'll never wear the crown!

I've been doing what makes me happy lately.

I've finally realized that I really am fully in control. I can go where I want, when I want. My future rests in my hands. What anyone says or thinks about it doesn't matter.

I've been spending time in places other than Edinboro. I've been out to Warren, Downingtown (Near Philadelphia), and Pittsburgh. Oh, and I suppose Erie counts as well.

Raul and I recently took a 2 day trip to visit old friends and check out some craft breweries, and it was a very successful and fun trip. It was a short vacation that I needed.

Besides that, I've spent quite a bit of time in Pittsburgh. I still love it there. I still want to move there.

Playing shows with Radio Empire and Run Forever has been a blast! We've been all over the place and it's been so much fun! The feeling of rolling up to a new venue, seeing new people, setting up the merch table, playing at an unfamiliar venue is rewarding every time.

I barely have any money, but it's ok. I still am getting by, and it's totally awesome!

I will be on tour from June 19th-29th. YES. YES. YES. I am so happy that I get to live on the road again! Sleeping in Wal-Mart parking lots, making a ton of new friends, and playing music that I love. Heck yeah!

See you soon!

Been living in the city, having dreams that I was dying

Since Friday, I've been spending pretty much all my time with Tony, Cassie, and Lenny. Fun people, good times. I'm going to be in Pittsburgh until tomorrow afternoon sometime most likely. Here are some general updates:

1. Jamming with Tony's band is really fun! It's a unique experience for me to NOT be the singer. I'm just a normal guitar player. I actually like it, a lot. Oh, in case you're not familiar with them, their band is called Run Forever. You can listen to them at myspace.com/runforevermusic. We had our first show the other day in Warren. We were the only band that wasn't an acoustic solo project, and there really weren't many people there. But the handful of people that DID attend seemed very attentive and really liked the songs. So that's a good thing! We had fun! Tonight we play Johnstown.

2. The Radio Empire EP is getting closer to being completed. A final mixing session is in order. Next step, getting CD cases, blank discs, etc and putting the whole thing together by hand. June 12th is still the release date, and I hope to see all of you there. Forward Hall on Peach St. Erie, PA at 6PM.

3. I've been living off of next to no money. I limit myself to a couple dollars a day for food. The gas money for the drive down to Pittsburgh was paid by the show in Warren.

4. Still can't find a job. I'm thinking maybe It'll be like last summer, and I won't start working until after tour. Oh well. We'll see what happens. Until then I have a small yard-work option for a family friend. Looks like that's my only source of income. Yikes!

5. I love Pittsburgh. This is where I want to be. Perhaps it's the city lights and large population of people that draws me here. Maybe it's the good food. Maybe it's the mix of culture. Maybe it's simply that it is an escape? If so, does that make me an escapist? Anyway, I really like it here and I've finally felt that "wall," so to speak, where I know that I need to move on to a new place, a new school, and start a new life. One more year at Edinboro, and then I'm GONE. That day can't come soon enough.

6. If I've seemed distant lately, it's because I've felt distant lately.

I think that just about sums up almost everything. If you haven't talked to me in a while, I'd like to hear from you.